Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone đ
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself⌠I really need to stop using the stairs.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
No one girl should have all that power. đ
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said âyou canât be buried there, do you know why?â
Me: because Iâm not Native American?
My dad: no because youâre still alive
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- Whatâs your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs âdetailed proofâ of why youâre going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: NopeâŚ.But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folksâŚ..
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (itâs a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains