Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
You Might Also Like
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.