Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
live, laugh, laundry.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
translated into Canadian
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?