Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*