Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.


“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food


A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.


Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?


How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?



Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier


When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.


[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*


*horse throws the 1st punch*


I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”