My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
me: what if music w
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”