Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

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[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*


Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.


I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.


Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”


ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive


Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it


Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-


H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry


AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.


publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course