“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course