@brookeisgolden

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

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@KyleMcDowell86

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

@RobTemple101

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

@Shariv67

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@MichaelVogel1

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

@JediGigi

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

@mrjohndarby

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course