Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
You Might Also Like
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Don’t touch that.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Geez man, take it easy.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
peeping toms
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?