Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub