Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you鈥檝e had a lot already… I don鈥檛 want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I鈥檓 such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?