Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.