Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
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1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.