Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
You Might Also Like
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I already tried new things thanks.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Never mess with a drunken pig.