Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Time for evil
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.