Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?