Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
How did we not see this back then?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Matt Goss
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?