Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
You Might Also Like
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.