Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
how much for the angry fruit?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.