Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.