Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic