Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another