Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
You Might Also Like
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it鈥檚 bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don鈥檛 know wtf you鈥檙e talking about
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it鈥檚 a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn鈥檛 contain?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Him: Your test came back, and it鈥檚 negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You鈥檙e failing this class.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we鈥檙e seeing one another.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes鈥itronella.
Walt Disney:
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 馃槢
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
馃槀馃槀
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me