Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.


Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers


The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.


They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog


Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.


Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.


*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8


[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it


I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”