Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.


Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.


Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”


When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.


When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s


If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.


A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!


[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??


oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory


Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.