@GrantTanaka I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
@ninjadinosaur1 Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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@GrantTanaka 
@stevevsninjas Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
@MamaFizzles The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
@NotTodayEric Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
@envydatropic They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
@_Tempo11 Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
@MacAnnabella Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
@MsLisaM *watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
@stuckinaportal [mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
@jifrulz I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”