@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

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@GrantTanaka

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

@stevevsninjas

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@envydatropic

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

@_Tempo11

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

@MacAnnabella

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

@MsLisaM

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@jifrulz

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”