Basically.
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“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.