Basketball games are very squeaky.

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[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]


Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment


If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie


If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.


[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?


If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.


My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….


Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.


Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night


Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.