Basketball games are very squeaky.

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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.


Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.


I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.


Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.


[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*


I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.


Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.


Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.