@DawnLovesZombie
@ojedge [puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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@ojedge 
@KimmyMonte Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
@bobsin If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
@UNDEADTRESOR If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
@Angibangie [both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
@un_d_ciphered If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
@Cheetoe4 My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
@10InchesPlus Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
@ChicksRule Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
@JimmerThatisAll Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.