Basketball games are very squeaky.
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You know…for fall…
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
2022 will be better than 2021
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.