Basketball games are very squeaky.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
eating my hot dog hamburger style
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”