@DawnLovesZombie

Basketball games are very squeaky.

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@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@KimmyMonte

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@UNDEADTRESOR

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

@Angibangie

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

@un_d_ciphered

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

@Cheetoe4

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

@10InchesPlus

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

@ChicksRule

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.