@DawnLovesZombie
@AndyRichter Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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@AndyRichter 
@kirahesser Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
@causticbob I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
@VaDawn13 Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
@Gre_Gone [loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
@pistolwistol I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
@Midgetspar I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
@UncleDuke1969 bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
@Adam14 Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
@mdob11 Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.