Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
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You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”