*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
can’t believe I got front row seats
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie