[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.