Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”