Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?