bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
You Might Also Like
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.