Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
You Might Also Like
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE