Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.