Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.