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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.