Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”