Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
me when I see my crush
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.