[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
what’s really going on
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
cats when you pet them too long:
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber