Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.