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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.