Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW