*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

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WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?


Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien


[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.


Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?


Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING


I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?


My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”