*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked


I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.


[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were


Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think


“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.


Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”


When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.


[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.


I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!


i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix