[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
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[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
same energy
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Botany good plants lately?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it