Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

🛁

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.