like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.