@noog

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

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@SvnSxty

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

@MetteAngerhofer

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

@Carbosly

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

@HomeProbably

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

@TheCiscoKidder

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

@ddsmidt

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

@TheFirstDudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

@DrPStewart

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T