*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
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Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”