Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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Same pineapple, same
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself