@Prof_Hinkley [emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
@unknownshoulder Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
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@Prof_Hinkley @Prof_Hinkley You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
@Annekinns Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
@hardasamother Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
@simoncholland You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
@joeljeffrey I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
@bridger_w This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
@Lisa_Laughs_ They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
@ChrisStephensMD Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
