@unknownshoulder

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

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@Prof_Hinkley

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

@Prof_Hinkley

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

@Annekinns

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

@hardasamother

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

@joeljeffrey

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

@bridger_w

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@ChrisStephensMD

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.