Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.