*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
What number SPF blocks people?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely