Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Ain’t no way
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
why am I working on Labor Day
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.