Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.