[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika