*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
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I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?